Tell me, by the faith you owe me, Who is the lady? For I know thou lovest. Murard Tecsergyn <$BlogRSDUrl$>

Thursday, September 30, 2004

leaving. C u in Denten.

Left school at lunch today. Am home now. Yay.
There was very much a center around my cell phone at lunch today. yay.
Gus gave me some pictures. One if of us laying on his water bed (because we all know I'm secretly ONLY dating him for his comfy water bed.) and the other is of him playing his guitar. I like this one because I'm staring at the guitar...He's staring at me. Heeh.

*Loves new phone*

still haven't done any packing yet. We leave in...Like 2 hours...So I probably should go take care of that. It discourages me that, Kayt, you have not been online and refuse to be at home/coherent whenever I try to call. BE UP tonight! I'm going to call you.
*PrEeM, Geoff, heeh*
...That sounded like a horse...

Anyway,
gonna go take care of the whole packing issue. I should post one more time before I leave. Just because that seems to be the tradition whenever I go Denton.

OoO. Dracula is going to start tech week. Heeh. Keep me updated about that, Darcy.
*thinks*
It also just occurred to me that we never wrote the script....

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Cell phones are fun.
Am going to take it with me to Denton, which, by the way, I leave for tomorrow and wont be back until Monday night. (But not even really then, because i'll be at ANNE rehearsal most of the nigh.heeh.)
*Kitty mews in the background*
M.
Anyway, yeah. Cool new cell phone. Kayt I tried to call ya but you were...ASLEEP? WTF? You don't sleep at 9:30! I sleep at 9:30! Are you trying to Steal my job. *Ugh. ya bastard* Heeh. (Gus says it's cute when I cuss because it sounds really unnatural. still am finding this amusing.)

Uhm, more junk and such.

-Oh
*thinks*
For those of you who missed it there was a crazy storm this afternoon. Heh. Why wouldn't the weather go all crazy on us randomly. This is El paso. But I didn't get to go to the track. This makes me sad.
T'was a bit scary, but very pretty, and i'm sure very much appreciated.

*Yawn*
Is late, I better go to bed.
Night beautifuls.


New Cell phone!!! ^-^
HEEH!

.More later. When it is no longer a novelty.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

*Ow*
Legs are so sore. I ran 2 miles yesterday. At least I know I can still do it. However, am now in very much pain. I'm going to head up to the track despite this, though, and see how well I do.
Also, Kayt, we never went biking last Sunday. I can't this Sunday because I'll be out of town, but we'll have to go walking/biking for an insane amount of time a different day.
Uhm, Gus gave me a ride home t'day- Er-actually he has been giving me a ride home everyday, but today he stayed and talked for like an hour and a half and I feel a little better. M. I'm going to call Sophia about it anyway.
Oh. More junk.
Wrote it this morning actually, but anyway. Better get up to the track. Wish me luck.
**Muscle twitches*


Monday, September 27, 2004

God, I make everything complicated.
Why do I make EVERYTHING so complicated.
All I know is what I don't want. I'll never be able to tell you just what it is that I do want, only what I don't want. I don't want...I don't want to be like her. He really hurt her. I don't want to be hurt. This is what I don't want.

I'm not saying that I'm hurt, or that it's for sure that I will be...But at the same time, it is. I will be. Wont I? Because isn't that what happens? Isn't that how it always ends? That's how I know it.
It...I...Uh.
I don't have fun guessing when and where and why I, all of a sudden, wont be good enough, but I do know that is what happens. I am not saying that I want to love someone forever or anything like that, but I really don't like the idea of having to worry about why I won't be loved.
Romance really brings out the worst in me. I think this is why I have trouble to being "giddy-in-love" on stage.

If he really wanted to make me happy he would leave me alone. I say that's what I want. But it's not really. No it's not really because not even I know what I really want, but what I don't want is to be some problem to some guy that has to be taken care of. I don't want to be not good enough one day, and and not know why. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want any of this things and the only reasonable way out of those would be to just avoid situations where those things could happen all together.
Do I want to like him? Yes. I do. But I don't think of it like that. I'd think of it as "Why dón't I want to to like him","what could go wrong", "why shouldn't I like him?" and that's what keeps me up the most. That even though "I want this," or "I want that" all the reasons for why I shouldn't want this pile much higher...
Because what kind of logic is that? "I want" so what? People want things every day. Hell, I want a golden plated cell phone...But that doesn't mean I need it. That doesn't mean I should have it. And that is just that. Logically the reasons for why should pile much higher than the reasons for why I should...And so despite the obvious crap that most people would just let go I stay awake thinking about at 11:00 at night.

I guess I've complained enough. I'm sorry. I whine everywhere when I get tired. Give me a couple hours of sleep, and I won't remember what the point of this post was, or what I was trying to accomplish.
I only know that I always do this to myself. But, I think it will just save me a bunch in the end. Wont it? Why not? It will.So there.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Darcy and I are headed to the Playhouse t'night for Jess's show. YAY!
Maybe we'll get to do concessions. Hopefully.

ANNE read through tomorrow. Yay!

And in light of recent events new junk.

*girl swoon, sigh, and faint*
Heeh.

Kayt. Call me.
-

Happy Birthday DARCY...Even though it is now 1:00 and technically it is now Al's, Trist's, and Frankie's birthday. Happy birthday you three!

Thursday, September 23, 2004

*ARGH!*
For some reason beyond what I can understand my LJcut isn't working. ANyway, more writting.
*Final_Breath posts a comment on it* HEEH! Yay.

It's hot beyond reason in here.
Gus and I are going to see THE FORGOTTEN tomorrow.
KEVIN asked NATALIA to homecoming. hehe. Yeah.
Uhm, no that's it for now.


Ugh. Computer is being slow. Is pissing me off.

*Reads Darcy's girly post*
Ah!
why are all guys evil in the form of incredibly cute hugable...Cute hugable things?
But come on, you knew he was going to do something like that.
I hate guys. Don't you hate guys? Yeah.


Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Ugh.
Lorraine and her friend are watching "Confessions of a teenage drama queen".
Worst movie. Ever.

Gus was not at school today. This makes me sad.

Oh! We've also figured out that Whit is a women. A black women.

"Whit, rap for us!"
"Yo Yo."
"OH God."
-Whit&Rafi

More news later.
::Blink::

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Just finished TO KILL A MOCKING BIRD.
I've got the warm-fuzzies.
*Pru*

Monday, September 20, 2004

*Yawn*
So I've started walking again. All of the begining of this year (from Feb to the end of June, when it started to get really hot) I've been very good about being active and walking, or riding bikes, or doing something and then I just kind of stopped. As of recently I've picked up some really bad binge habits particularly on sweets, and unhealthy stuff.
My body type, however, is such that I can gain weight easily because I'm good at eating, but also it's basicly athletic so that I can loose weight pretty easily too. I figure since were about to go into ANNE this would be a good time to start to take it all seriously and start walking/running/biking again (Along with eating better). Were gonna go bike this Sunday, right Kayt?
IN any case, I'd forgotten how much energy it really does take to go run up at the track for an hour. I"m beat.
Homework to do...And Such.
Much talk about homecoming between Sophia, Natalie, and me. So far', out of the three of us, I'm the only one who officially has a date, but it's all being taken care of, and in the normal grily fashion they're talking about dresses and dinner and stuff like that. Should be fun. Despite the whole dress/high heels thing.
Was guses brithday today, speaking of-. He can drive now. How fun. I see lost off good stuff happening along with this. (*Loves guys with cars*)
his party is this Sat. I need to get him a present. Weheeh.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

"You've heard of the TAMING OF THE SHREW, right?"
"Yeah. that's about a mouse isn't it."
- Me Kayt.

I found my old quote page (from last year!) on LOBD while trying to post some more poems. Ah! Funny stuff. And the best part is that they're all from last year.
I'd totally forgotten stuff like
"No Katie! You don't go around just chopping off peoples body parts!"
-Me (Notice that this was the point in time when I still called her KATIE instead of KAYT)

Also my long lost favorites...
"You should enjoy life...Not shoot at it!"
-Me

"...Can I poke your tummy?"
-Natalia

"Either I'm really in love or I've got really bad heartburn..."
-Me

Am just amused beyond belief. I need to start updating that again.

I can tell myself what to do whenever I want to, but that doesn't mean that I don't have to listen about being right about being wrong if I'm right. And when i'm wrong i'm sure I was right that I was sure I was gonna be wrong-in which case I just tell myself that I was right in being wrong, and that I should listen to me for being right for once, even if it was about being wrong. And if you're right because you're wrong, and you knew you were going to be wrong then you were always right (or never really wrong) to begin with. And so what if I want to be stubborn about about being wrong about being right, if I know that not listening to me is, in the long run, going to be right.


Friday, September 17, 2004

Just got back from my date.
Sleep?
Sleep for class tomorrow?
What are you talking about? I don't need sleep!
*falls asleep on desk*

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Very tired. Nostalgic, and tired. Not a good combination. But good enough to produce this.
Ow.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

So I guess i'm going to homecoming...?

Uhm. There was something I was going to say. I don't remember anymore.

Lorraine rented Butterfly effect last night and now her e-mail icons on our computer is a picture of a boy holding up a sign saying "I'll come back for you"...Yeah. It scares me just a bit. Of course my e-mail icon is a picture of Matt holding onto Kevins feet for dear life, so I guess her's isn't too scary in comparison.
*Lorraine sings YELLOWCARD in the background*
::Shudder::

Anyway

I'm very not tired at the moment, but decided to get ready for bed...I don't know why. My nose has been stuffy lately, though I have yet to have a fever. I think I may just be stumbling onto the beginning of a cold. *Knocks on wood* Moms cure all, however, is vitamin C, so lets hope large doses of that will help me before Saturday roles around.
::Blink::
The maids came today and put all my pajama shirts into the dirty clothes. Hence, I am walking around in my vibrantly orange, unbelievably large Miner t-shirt I won with Darcy last Friday. I might add that this shirt, quite literally, swallows up the better half of my upper body, and a good potion of my thighs.
*Continues to drown in large t-shirt*

*wants an electric guitar*
I have had multipul BRAND NEW songs stuck in my head all day, but of course the second I get home they're gone. Juuuuust Peachey.
Anyway, There have been some major break-thoughs on the script Natalia and I have been working on for...almost 7 months now. We have two scenes left to write, and it should be able to get shot by the end of the month. Now that question is...Well we ever have time to shoot it?
who knows.
I got to be on of the Anchors on CTV today. That was fun. I feel all spiffy about it too, because I got to do it with Lindsay---And she's cool.
Uhm. Not that's it for now.

Feeling nostalgic.
I know it's random to feel nostalgic at 7 in the morning, but I often to weird and random things that make very little sense. Anyway. So early morning nostalgic junk.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Ah! My nose is on fire!!!

Monday, September 13, 2004

I've said it before, and i'll say it again
THERE ARE INTENSE FEELINGS OF MUTUAL HATE BETWEEN ME AND MY SMOOTHIE MACHINE!!!
m.Gr.

Just got back form getting my hair trimmed. Ommay is mad at me for some unknown reason and that's never good.
-Anyway-
While I was sitting there having my hair cut I came to the conclusion that it would be really cool to just do something drastic and completely different with my hair. I was thinking in terms of ANNE FRANK. Would it be that horrible to have my hair cut that short? Yes. It would, but then again, wouldn't it also be horrible to have to wear a wig and not be taken as seriously while on stage by the audience. Yes. That would be horrible as well. But at the same time I really do want to get older parts, and with my hair gone I'd be reduced to the age of five apearance wise(Side note: I have the most annoying sister in the world.) And that's never good. I guess I could cut my hair short and pray that it grows back significantly before my next audition in December, but at the same time...I'm not sure that would happen. m.Gr. Conflict. Yeah. Well that just sux. So I guess I should go do stuff now. Like homework. Damn.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

O. I love that I've gone crazy. Never ceases to amuse me.

I only confuse myself.
I really am my biggest problem. I know that this is either an abstract concept or it sounds scripted and very boring, but it's 2:00 into he morning, and I'm having a horrible time with my thoughts.
It seems to me I don't know what I want. Or. Yes I do, but only when it's convenient. When It's something I don't have to think about, when it's something that requires minimum commitment, or when it's something comfortable... Or. Actually. Even, this isn't entirely true.
I guess my biggest problem is not being able to figure anything out. Not wanting to figure anything out because i've become comfortable with things, and so become perfectly willing to except that that is how this person is, or that this is how the situation goes and just...Then I look back and think, and don't understand it. I don't understand any of what happend, and whY I let it happen, or didn't let it happen...Or why I didn't do something about it...Why I thought it was something that would be okay to accept. Or regret.
I Do the right things.Or at least I try to do the right things. But I do them wrongly. I do them the way that I think they need to be done without thinking. It's not that I don't think...It's just that I don't know. I don't know what the right thing done wrongly looks like, or the right thing done in the right way for that matter. or the wrong thing done the right way. I don't know. And because I don't know I find that I'm always willing to accept whatever I do, and then have it confuse me later, because I don't expect to ever have to think about what things will be like if they change- If something should happen to change. And I don't like being pulled out from what comfortable. Another problem I have. Actually, probably my biggest fault is just that, I don't like things to not be comfortable, I don't like for things to change...of course...that just sounds pettie.
I think I started this post hoping to type out a pattern. Something that could tell me what it is I've just done wrong, or have done wrong, or will do wrong...Not because of other people, or because other people have done things wrong. But Because I often do things that I look back at days later and think "Now, why did I do that? Why did that make sense to me then?"
The word "regret" to me means very little. You regret if you do, you regret if you don't, and so in that sense there is no way to do the right thing the right way, or anything like that for the matter, but it seems that people should be happy with their decisions. People shouldn't have to stay awake at night and analyze a non existent personality trait, or a problem that they think they may have.
Another thing is that I understand that I often try to do the right things the wrong way, or anything along those lines, but I am can't see a way out of it. I know there is, but I never care to dig myself out. I simply sit down and accept what has been given out, because that's the easy thing to do.
I know what I need: Air, Theater, music etc. Things like those I have down...But I find my biggest problem is being able to make a move, and not stumble and spend the rest of the night worrying about how it is that will have changed things in the morning.

Again, it's 2 A.m, and i'm sure half of this post will not make sense and be gone (deleted) in the morning when I realize it.
I suppose, for those of you who are still reading, I'll let you go.

I got back from my mdate with Gus an hour ago...Guess how that when. huh.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

*Pulls blanket over head*
...I wanna go back to sleep...

Friday, September 10, 2004

Am Downloading some Dave Mathews Band and I think it's incredibly amusing that someone out there has labeled "Breakfast at Tiffinay's" as one of the songs they sing. Heehe. I would take a minute to entertain that thought.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Three new works for September 9th.

Darcy, what time is that thing at tomorrow? Er...What time do I need to be ready by?

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

About to head off to the ANNE FRANK read through.
Honestly It feels like I'm going back to something...Er...Good...Something soft...Comfortable. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's kind of like when your body gets home after you've been on a long trip and lays in your bed, and for the first time since you've been gone it says "Ah. Now this is what I know. This is what I like." It's kind of like that. I feel like I'm thinking "This is what I know- and it is what I like."
I guess for those of you who have found this incredibly cheesy are thinking "how in the name of sweet mold did she just relate THEATER to a BED???" but I did. Anyway, I better go. Sometimes my mind likes to go all philosophical on me.

"If you don't know where you're going you will probably end up somewhere else." (Laurence Peters, 1969)

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

*Much more angst* *Gus* *Angst* *Angst* *angst*

*whine*
Bwahhhhhhhhhh.
It's 5:36! Why Am I up so early.
Sleep. SLEEP!
crap.

Monday, September 06, 2004

Al and I have started "computer geek weekly" and it concerns lotz of small pets, and Hard drives.
I think we'll make a fortune
-
(In the theme of the angst post bellow
*While watching "Ever After"
"This is an angst scene. You can tell because everythings all blue"
-Darcy )

*ANGST**ANGST**Gus**ANGST**CRAP**ANGST*

After going o "Paparazzi" yesterday met up with Darcy at Keva, and ended up spending the night at her house. (she also heard me talk in my sleep, say something about Puss in boots and then "thank you "? If that's wrong Darcy feel free to correct it.)Spent a good part of today at her house as well. (Cakes were made, and the rest of the FIRE FLy Series was watched.) Uhm, Only got home about an hour and a half ago.
Jan called. Uhm. Post read through jitters on my part.
Uhm.
also need to sleep well t'night. Have not been sleeping well for the past week or so, and am afraid that I will eventually start to feel the effects of this.

Mgr. Brain Stew.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Parental advisory: explicit content"


"What the fuck are you doing?
"I don't know what the fuck i'm doing."
"I don't know what the fuck you're doing either."
"What the fuck am I doing?
"...WHAT THE FUCK!"
"Shut up."
-Me and Kayt.

( I want to note that the spell check word for "Fuck"is "Fuji". What the fuck.)

*Gus calls and asks me on another date*
*Rolls around on the floor behind kayt in a violent manor*
"Are you trying to kill yourself?"
"Yeah. It didn't work."

-Me and Kayt (Who is spending the night, by the way)

(I was actually rolling around on the ground in a giddy fashion. this way just makes for a better quote.)

*Feels the urge to need to show up at Radford school with a script, and a half coherent mind*

Friday, September 03, 2004

Just got back from date with Gus, and while I would love to post the details of my personal life on the internet for the world...I'm going to maintain a shred of dignity.
*Head againts wall*
If you really care for the details feel free to ask. Me.
*Head against wall*

Kayt is coming over early tomorrow and we plan to head to Barnes&Noble, probably for a good portion of the day.
*Sigh*
I'm tired.
Gonna go to bed.
Or
not really,
but I'm gonna go be...not here.

WHUUUUUUUUWHOOOOOOOOO!
ANNE FRANK READ THROUGH!
Yayaya!
*skips around the room in a giddy fashion.*

Thursday, September 02, 2004

change of plans again.
Am going to Gus's house tomorrow, out to eat, and then with him to rehearsal at the A Chavez theater.
Uhm.
OKi, just so everyone knows.

Change of plans.
No date with Gus tomorrow because he has a rehearsal at the Oprah that night. Uhm, also I keep forgetting that there will be no school Monday so that shakes the week around pretty well.
"A Gentleman and a scoundrel" opens this week. Will have to look into going to see that.
Natalia and I have also decided to try and shoot our movie sometimes soon. Not this weekend, she's going to Riodoso, but soon.

Am very hungry.

Also...*looses train of thought* damn it!

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Who knows what my blog could look like, or should look like, or has the potential of looking like ect. The point is that this is what my blog looks like for now, and actually, I like it much better than the other one.
Unless I find a picture that is better, I plan on keeping it for a while- Maybe inverting the colors every now and then for amusement, and confusion on behalf of the reader.

Dedictaed to my smoothie machine. Because it hates me.

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