Monday, September 27, 2004
God, I make everything complicated.
Why do I make EVERYTHING so complicated.
All I know is what I don't want. I'll never be able to tell you just what it is that I do want, only what I don't want. I don't want...I don't want to be like her. He really hurt her. I don't want to be hurt. This is what I don't want.
I'm not saying that I'm hurt, or that it's for sure that I will be...But at the same time, it is. I will be. Wont I? Because isn't that what happens? Isn't that how it always ends? That's how I know it.
It...I...Uh.
I don't have fun guessing when and where and why I, all of a sudden, wont be good enough, but I do know that is what happens. I am not saying that I want to love someone forever or anything like that, but I really don't like the idea of having to worry about why I won't be loved.
Romance really brings out the worst in me. I think this is why I have trouble to being "giddy-in-love" on stage.
If he really wanted to make me happy he would leave me alone. I say that's what I want. But it's not really. No it's not really because not even I know what I really want, but what I don't want is to be some problem to some guy that has to be taken care of. I don't want to be not good enough one day, and and not know why. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want any of this things and the only reasonable way out of those would be to just avoid situations where those things could happen all together.
Do I want to like him? Yes. I do. But I don't think of it like that. I'd think of it as "Why dón't I want to to like him","what could go wrong", "why shouldn't I like him?" and that's what keeps me up the most. That even though "I want this," or "I want that" all the reasons for why I shouldn't want this pile much higher...
Because what kind of logic is that? "I want" so what? People want things every day. Hell, I want a golden plated cell phone...But that doesn't mean I need it. That doesn't mean I should have it. And that is just that. Logically the reasons for why should pile much higher than the reasons for why I should...And so despite the obvious crap that most people would just let go I stay awake thinking about at 11:00 at night.
I guess I've complained enough. I'm sorry. I whine everywhere when I get tired. Give me a couple hours of sleep, and I won't remember what the point of this post was, or what I was trying to accomplish.
I only know that I always do this to myself. But, I think it will just save me a bunch in the end. Wont it? Why not? It will.So there.
Why do I make EVERYTHING so complicated.
All I know is what I don't want. I'll never be able to tell you just what it is that I do want, only what I don't want. I don't want...I don't want to be like her. He really hurt her. I don't want to be hurt. This is what I don't want.
I'm not saying that I'm hurt, or that it's for sure that I will be...But at the same time, it is. I will be. Wont I? Because isn't that what happens? Isn't that how it always ends? That's how I know it.
It...I...Uh.
I don't have fun guessing when and where and why I, all of a sudden, wont be good enough, but I do know that is what happens. I am not saying that I want to love someone forever or anything like that, but I really don't like the idea of having to worry about why I won't be loved.
Romance really brings out the worst in me. I think this is why I have trouble to being "giddy-in-love" on stage.
If he really wanted to make me happy he would leave me alone. I say that's what I want. But it's not really. No it's not really because not even I know what I really want, but what I don't want is to be some problem to some guy that has to be taken care of. I don't want to be not good enough one day, and and not know why. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want any of this things and the only reasonable way out of those would be to just avoid situations where those things could happen all together.
Do I want to like him? Yes. I do. But I don't think of it like that. I'd think of it as "Why dón't I want to to like him","what could go wrong", "why shouldn't I like him?" and that's what keeps me up the most. That even though "I want this," or "I want that" all the reasons for why I shouldn't want this pile much higher...
Because what kind of logic is that? "I want" so what? People want things every day. Hell, I want a golden plated cell phone...But that doesn't mean I need it. That doesn't mean I should have it. And that is just that. Logically the reasons for why should pile much higher than the reasons for why I should...And so despite the obvious crap that most people would just let go I stay awake thinking about at 11:00 at night.
I guess I've complained enough. I'm sorry. I whine everywhere when I get tired. Give me a couple hours of sleep, and I won't remember what the point of this post was, or what I was trying to accomplish.
I only know that I always do this to myself. But, I think it will just save me a bunch in the end. Wont it? Why not? It will.So there.
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