Sunday, September 12, 2004
I only confuse myself.
I really am my biggest problem. I know that this is either an abstract concept or it sounds scripted and very boring, but it's 2:00 into he morning, and I'm having a horrible time with my thoughts.
It seems to me I don't know what I want. Or. Yes I do, but only when it's convenient. When It's something I don't have to think about, when it's something that requires minimum commitment, or when it's something comfortable... Or. Actually. Even, this isn't entirely true.
I guess my biggest problem is not being able to figure anything out. Not wanting to figure anything out because i've become comfortable with things, and so become perfectly willing to except that that is how this person is, or that this is how the situation goes and just...Then I look back and think, and don't understand it. I don't understand any of what happend, and whY I let it happen, or didn't let it happen...Or why I didn't do something about it...Why I thought it was something that would be okay to accept. Or regret.
I Do the right things.Or at least I try to do the right things. But I do them wrongly. I do them the way that I think they need to be done without thinking. It's not that I don't think...It's just that I don't know. I don't know what the right thing done wrongly looks like, or the right thing done in the right way for that matter. or the wrong thing done the right way. I don't know. And because I don't know I find that I'm always willing to accept whatever I do, and then have it confuse me later, because I don't expect to ever have to think about what things will be like if they change- If something should happen to change. And I don't like being pulled out from what comfortable. Another problem I have. Actually, probably my biggest fault is just that, I don't like things to not be comfortable, I don't like for things to change...of course...that just sounds pettie.
I think I started this post hoping to type out a pattern. Something that could tell me what it is I've just done wrong, or have done wrong, or will do wrong...Not because of other people, or because other people have done things wrong. But Because I often do things that I look back at days later and think "Now, why did I do that? Why did that make sense to me then?"
The word "regret" to me means very little. You regret if you do, you regret if you don't, and so in that sense there is no way to do the right thing the right way, or anything like that for the matter, but it seems that people should be happy with their decisions. People shouldn't have to stay awake at night and analyze a non existent personality trait, or a problem that they think they may have.
Another thing is that I understand that I often try to do the right things the wrong way, or anything along those lines, but I am can't see a way out of it. I know there is, but I never care to dig myself out. I simply sit down and accept what has been given out, because that's the easy thing to do.
I know what I need: Air, Theater, music etc. Things like those I have down...But I find my biggest problem is being able to make a move, and not stumble and spend the rest of the night worrying about how it is that will have changed things in the morning.
Again, it's 2 A.m, and i'm sure half of this post will not make sense and be gone (deleted) in the morning when I realize it.
I suppose, for those of you who are still reading, I'll let you go.
I got back from my mdate with Gus an hour ago...Guess how that when. huh.
I really am my biggest problem. I know that this is either an abstract concept or it sounds scripted and very boring, but it's 2:00 into he morning, and I'm having a horrible time with my thoughts.
It seems to me I don't know what I want. Or. Yes I do, but only when it's convenient. When It's something I don't have to think about, when it's something that requires minimum commitment, or when it's something comfortable... Or. Actually. Even, this isn't entirely true.
I guess my biggest problem is not being able to figure anything out. Not wanting to figure anything out because i've become comfortable with things, and so become perfectly willing to except that that is how this person is, or that this is how the situation goes and just...Then I look back and think, and don't understand it. I don't understand any of what happend, and whY I let it happen, or didn't let it happen...Or why I didn't do something about it...Why I thought it was something that would be okay to accept. Or regret.
I Do the right things.Or at least I try to do the right things. But I do them wrongly. I do them the way that I think they need to be done without thinking. It's not that I don't think...It's just that I don't know. I don't know what the right thing done wrongly looks like, or the right thing done in the right way for that matter. or the wrong thing done the right way. I don't know. And because I don't know I find that I'm always willing to accept whatever I do, and then have it confuse me later, because I don't expect to ever have to think about what things will be like if they change- If something should happen to change. And I don't like being pulled out from what comfortable. Another problem I have. Actually, probably my biggest fault is just that, I don't like things to not be comfortable, I don't like for things to change...of course...that just sounds pettie.
I think I started this post hoping to type out a pattern. Something that could tell me what it is I've just done wrong, or have done wrong, or will do wrong...Not because of other people, or because other people have done things wrong. But Because I often do things that I look back at days later and think "Now, why did I do that? Why did that make sense to me then?"
The word "regret" to me means very little. You regret if you do, you regret if you don't, and so in that sense there is no way to do the right thing the right way, or anything like that for the matter, but it seems that people should be happy with their decisions. People shouldn't have to stay awake at night and analyze a non existent personality trait, or a problem that they think they may have.
Another thing is that I understand that I often try to do the right things the wrong way, or anything along those lines, but I am can't see a way out of it. I know there is, but I never care to dig myself out. I simply sit down and accept what has been given out, because that's the easy thing to do.
I know what I need: Air, Theater, music etc. Things like those I have down...But I find my biggest problem is being able to make a move, and not stumble and spend the rest of the night worrying about how it is that will have changed things in the morning.
Again, it's 2 A.m, and i'm sure half of this post will not make sense and be gone (deleted) in the morning when I realize it.
I suppose, for those of you who are still reading, I'll let you go.
I got back from my mdate with Gus an hour ago...Guess how that when. huh.
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